adam-lambert-for-your-entertainment-ab110209

They say you should never judge a book by its cover. Because we respect our elders, we take that antiquated idea to heart. But notice, it mentions nothing about music. Therefore, we reserve the right to judge any and every album in the history of recorded music based solely on the images that inhabit that album’s cover. Today, we pass judgment on For Your Entertainment by Adam Lambert.

Luis: I feel like it’s 1985 again because my penis is very confused as to whether it should be standing at attention or cowering in fear of this he-she. Also because I was a baby in 1985 and most things confused me back then. I believe that if you traveled back to 1985 and showed me this album cover I would have expressed my displeasure by pooping on myself.

Adam: If Ruben Studdard swallowed Clay Aiken whole and then took a dump two hours later and that dump was shot off into space, this is what that dump would look like.

Luis: Without having heard a single track from the album I can assume that there’s probably going to be a lot of laser sounds and references to interplanetary traveling vessels, all of which will somehow be squeezed in to rhyme schemes involving thinly veiled metaphor about the hardships of banging another dude while floating in a zero-G environment.

Fortey: Actually, all the songs in some way relate to a giant, tranny head in space. It’s a very bold concept album reminiscent of Ziggy Stardust, which you’ll recall as being the first concept album about space-faring transsexuals. So, your guess is pretty accurate.

Adam: I can’t believe Bowie never recorded any tranny spacehead concept albums. This Lambert guy is clearly on top of his stuff. Probably the only thing he’s ever been on top of in his life. Ha! AM I RIGHT?!?!?!?!?

Fortey: Naturally, if you’re talking giant space heads you’re getting into the territory of the original Transformers movie, featuring Unicron who was voiced by Orson Welles. So basically Adam Lambert has made a transsexual tribute to Orson Welles. If anyone wants to make a joke about what “rosebud” means, now’s the time.

Adam: I think it…

Fortey: It’s a pretty clear reference to anus is what it is.

Adam: Right.

Luis: I was under the impression that this guy lost American Idol. How did he still get the grand prize of becoming the Star Child that will represent humanity in the pan-galactic all male humanoid revue? That seems rather unfair to that guy that actually won.

Adam: If I remember correctly, the other guy was from Arkansas. That probably explains why he didn’t get the gig. Scientific studies have shown that nobody is actually from Arkansas. What I’m saying is, Kris Allen doesn’t actually exist. He was a hologram projected onto the show by Adam Lambert’s space handlers. Having an intergalactic cross dresser win American Idol was way more controversy than Fox was willing to deal with.

Luis: I’ll never understand the politics behind the pan-galactic all male humanoid revue.

Fortey: This album cover seems kind of threatening. Look at space in the background, those gas clouds and the light. On Star Trek, this giant Lambert head would be moments away from holding the Enterprise in place with some manner of gay tractor beam and then thoroughly probing Spock’s mind. And probably a few ensigns would die in the process.

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